It bothers me a lot that I exist in such a state as this. I think about my relationship with God and know that my walk is a hollow shell of what it used to be. I wonder often if I even know God anymore. Is Jesus still my Savior?

I have learned much in this pit. Sin has taught me of it’s existence and I know the devil is alive and the flesh responds to his demands. I understand the depression and discouragement of Elijah and I now know the overwhelming emptiness of Samson as he labored at the enemies grinding round. I ache with the regret of David after his sin with Bathsheba. I also know what it’s like to call on God and feel like the "heavens are as brass". Worst of all though is the loneliness and emptiness I feel. It eats away within me like a cancer.

Envy, jealously, and sensual pleasure have become my friends. They are horrible friends but they are all I have. They come and burn within me for a time and I feel temporary relief from my misery. I love them for the temporary satisfaction they give me but I hate them because they leave behind stench and dirtiness when they are done.

Some think I don’t care anymore but if only they could know that I long to be the champion I once was. I wish they would reach out to me and let me feel their love. At the very least I hope someone is praying for me.

Oh why am I here in this pit? I hate it here and wish I could leave but I can’t find my way anymore. There has to be more to life than this…